Archive for the ‘gloom’ Category

daddy’s little girl

that’s me. and with my daddy having his 68th birthday tomorrow, napapa-senti ako ng di oras. most of you who’ve read my blog for some time know that my dad is suffering from alzheimer’s. it’s really heartbreaking watching him most of the time. he couldn’t recognize any of us anymore. not his wife, not his siblings, not any of his kids. it’s like looking at a stranger.

he couldn’t talk. he couldn’t do stuff any normal grown-up would do. someone should be there to prepare food and watch him eat. someone should be there to ensure he drinks enough water everyday. someone’s giving him baths, dressing him up.

and i haven’t been a good daughter to him since he was struck with this disgusting disease. not once have i tried in assisting yaya or my brothers in giving him baths or trying to feed him. at first, i was scared. he was prone to having violent fits most times. especially when it was bath time. it was as if he was hydrophobic. he’s kick out, punch out, lash out at everyone. so i saw it best not to try to help. all of my 3 kuyas received hits from him. punch in the face, on the shoulder, in the stomach. which is all so unfamiliar. he has always been the soft-spoken, silent one. i think i only heard him raise his voice a couple of times only. i really seldom hear him raise his voice.

nowadays, i always greet him when i visit my mom’s house. but he just stares. that blank stare. he doesn’t recognize me anymore. i talk to him sometimes but it’s like talking into thin air. i miss my daddy so much. and the saddest thing? i wasn’t able to treat him out during fathers’ day or during his birthday. he was too sick by the time i could afford it.

every time i hear this song, naco, it brings tears to my eyes talaga.




esp. this one. hay naco.



happy birthday daddy. i miss you.


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i was glad to have two days off from work. i filed for a leave for tomorrow. masayang okasyon. mr. antuken and i have been enduring each other’s quirks and what have yous for two years. it has been our thing (nung mag-boypren gelpren pa lang kami), to spend the day together, road trip somewhere. we really had nothing planned for tomorrow. but i know he wants to watch avatar again, this time, on imax. okay sana di ba.

kaso, early sunday morning, we got one of the worst news ever. although, we knew the day would eventually come, when it does pala, nakakagulat. my sister-in-law has been suffering from diabetes for a long time. she underwent an operation last week and she was about to go out of the hospital last saturday. nagulat ako, early sunday morning kse my cousin called and told me she was gone. we immediately went home to batangas and tried to comfort my brother and their daughter. i think all anniv celebrations will be off for the meantime.

my nephew, who we thought would be okay with another death (my ninong passed away last month) was really devastated. according to my mom, he cried a lot daw. rach even told him that it’s okei, wherever tita ves is, she’s happy. and my nephew blurted out: ‘HOW COULD SHE BE HAPPY? SHE’S DEAD!”

yesterday, he didn’t wanna go/come to the wake. but my kuya and SIL eventually talked him into coming. i sat beside him and was saddened by what he was saying. i can’t exactly remember the words he used. but he said something like: the flowers are great, they’re beautiful, but what they’re for is not.

that coming from a 6-year old. all of us are at a loss and i hope my kuya and their daughter overcome, what i think, is one of their biggest hurdles. friends ask me how kuya and deedee are doing, and i don’t exactly know how to answer them. i’m sooper sure devastated is not enough to describe how they’re feeling.

to ves, may you rest in peace and our prayers are with you always!

and to my antuken, hope you never get tired of me. love you always!

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another year’s ending and a new one will start in a few hours. hopefully 2010 will be better for all of us. i’m wishing that in 2010, i’ll have more time for myself. i’m wishing for a baby. and i’m wishing that my foot will get better.

2009 has been a busy year for me. nawala ang time ko to blog, to visit blogs i love reading (although quite a number of the blogs i go to doesn’t have that much updates either — busy rin kaya sila?), and to go out with blogging friends. my five-day workweek became a six-day one. and at a number of times i work 7 days a week. was it worth it? obviously not. mas yumaman ba ako working those ungodly hours? definitely not. pareho lang ang bayad ko when i work 5 days a week and 6 or 7 days a week.

i wanna look forward to lousy days on the beach. walang cellphone to disturb you in any time of the day. mahiga lang sa beach, magbasa ng libro, have a couple of bottles of sooper ice cold beer and have some smokes. i wish i could have that sa 2nd anniversary namin ni mr. antuken. kaso, ngayon pa lang, alam kong hopeless wish. i don’t think my boss would allow me to go on a break knowing that on those dates, we probably have an audit by TUV.

is it right to wanna retire as early as 33? i didn’t have this feeling last year. baket ngayon biglang parang i’m sooo tired. christmas break? holidays? ano yun?

i went out with my long-time friends a few weeks ago. late ako sa napag-usapang oras. tapos, i had to retire earlier than them, kse i was too sleepy (woke up real early to get to work e). sadly i also had to wake up early the next  day, kse may work pa rin. the catching up i was hoping for didn’t happen much.

christmas night was a good time to have a few beers with my cousins sana. or play poker. kaso, wala rin. had to work the next day. eto ba ang work na gusto ko? i think i’m too old to go and look for another job. tomorrow will be another year. hopefully when 2009 goes away, it takes away these feelings i’m having lately with it.

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medyo. di ko na naman namalayan, mga 2 months na naman akong walang post. kalimitan kse when i get home from work, i’d eat dinner then go straight to bed na. or kung galing naman ng night shift, mag-breakfast tapos kama na ulet susunod. no wonder my tummy’s growing. wala nang exercise. tsk tsk.

nalulugi na nga kami sa binabayad namin sa pldt. di naman nagagamit ang dsl mashado.

tama bang pag overworked (underpaid??? hehehe) ka eh ang katapat non eh mananaba ka rin? unti-unti ko kseng nare-realize na sumisikip na ang mga jeans ko. i’d always prefer to wear slacks or skirts to breathe better. hahaha. tapos, pag naka-uniform ako (4 days a week), i’d always want to change into our plant uniform (i work in a pharma multinational company, hence the need for plant uniforms) na simpleng t-shirt lang. ang rason? i can’t raise my arms properly sa uniform ko. masikip na kse sa braso. middle of the year pa lang, alangan magpagawa ulet ako ng uniform. mga 1400 pesos ata ang isang set. i already asked my mom to repair my pants (read: luwagan) at ngayon, tama lang fit nya. kaso pagdating sa top, mukhang hindi pwedeng i-repair. tinipid daw sa tela e. walang allowance. waaah!

i told hubby, i’d buy a threadmill. para maka-exercise. pinagtawanan ako. dahil bumili na daw ako ng yoga mat noon pa. up to now, andun sa likod ng cabinet. hindi nagagamit. he once borrowed it from me. ayoko sana ipahiram, sabi ko, mapapawisan nya. again, pinagtawanan ako. shempre daw. exercise mat yun e. kaso sobrang pawisin yung asawa ko. pinahiram ko pa rin (half-heartedly dahil ayokong masabihan ng madamot, hahaha). pero the whole time, i was watching him. he also said, wag daw threadmill bilhin ko. kse prone to knee or ankle injuries daw yun. eh alam nyang lampa-yatot ako. he suggested stationary bike na lang daw.

kaso mo, kelan ba ako nakapunta ng mall? sus, matagal na. kung makapunta man, gahol sa oras para mag-shop.

isa pa sa problema ko, wala namang space sa bahay kung saan ilalagay yung bike na yun. sabi nya sa baba daw, yung parang silong. ang fear ko, baka nakawin. kung iuuwi ko naman sa batangas (dahil dun maraming space!), eh di parang useless lang din pagbili ko at once a week lang ako umuwi sa nanay ko e. minsan pa nga hindi. dilemma, dilemma.

ngayon, i hate looking at my naked self in the mirror (which i do, after i take a bath & before i put on my clothes). butete tiyan e. haay. kung sana sa boobies na lang napunta. baket ba pag tumataba ang isang tao, tiyan ang unang lumalaki? hindi? ako lang ba yun? tsk. pinapangarap ko na nga lang na bumalik ako sa dati kong figure.

once i was shopping with hubby. naghahanap ako ng tankini. para nga matakpan ang mejo lumalaki ko nang tummy. hindi ako pinayagan. kse daw hindi na ako mags-strive to remove the tummy. two piece pa rin ang pinapabili saken. ang ending, hindi ako nakabili. kse nakakasuka ang itsura ko. hahaha.

i tried cutting down on my carbs. yun daw kse ang malakas magpalaki ng tiyan. isang araw, nag half rice ako for breakfast. shempre, di ko kinaya. kaya hanga ako sa kasama ko dito sa work, kse laging half rice lang ang inoorder nya pag kumakain kami. breakfast or lunch. ginugutom ako.

willpower. yun ang kailangan ko ngayon. matinding willpower na mag-exercise.

may nag-advice nga saken i don’t need to buy a statio-bike daw. mag-gym na lang ako. naman. work from 6am-7pm. may time pa ba mag-gym? sows naman. andami ko na ngang birthday-an na di napuntahan. dahil may work ako e.

kahit holiday, meron din. ganun ba kadami talaga ang nangangailangan ng suero o pang-dialysis sa mundo? haay.

naco, don’t get me wrong. thankful ako na may trabaho ako. pero nasobrahan naman ata. hehehe.

hopefully i could post more often. parang once every two months na lang. haysus.

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i really am so frustrated right now. well not that much anymore. i just got off the phone, vented my frustration to my friend. we ended up talking for about an hour and a half. initially about my feelings. and then about our lives.

my problem is, whenever i get frustrated about something, i want to talk it over with someone. best if it was with a friend, but if they’re not available, i talk about it with someone else. a friend from work. our yaya. etc.

i never thought something so petty would get to me. maybe it’s the wedding jitters or whatever.

my antuken & i had a little tiff. what about? seating arrangement. he keeps on insisting that it’s useless to make one. he doesn’t know the turn-out of the guests was what he said. it’s futile to make one coz the guests will seat with people they know, was another thing he pointed out.

i called him (i was at work, he was at home) to explain why we needed to make one. first, it might get chaotic. told him, the 2nd thing he stated wouldn’t happen because what we’ll do is ask the name of the guests and tell them their table number.

he keeps on insisting that he can’t make the arrangements coz there will be unfilled tables. we can’t seat some people with people they don’t know. was what he said. i told him, eventually we might have that. that’s why we’re making seating arrangements. to ensure that we seat people with people they know. still, he was steadfast in saying it’s useless.

i told him, if i knew all his guests, i’d do the seating arrangement. but i don’t. i told him, if you want, you could have your guests free-for-all/first-come-first-served tables, but i’m arranging the seats of my guests, in  a very sarcastic tone, mind you. and what did he say???? okei, that would be good. grrrrrrr.

haay. i can’t believe we’re in this situation. i ended up hanging up the phone on him cause he told me to go back to work.

this is just one simple thing i’m asking from him. he never came with me when i went and talked to our suppliers — invitations, photo & video, caterer, buying wedding favors. he never went with me when i gave out invitations for my friends (and they were looking for him). i told them that he had work. they came back with: couldn’t he file for a leave to accompany you? and i answered with: you know how it is with us factory workers, it’s a little difficult to file for a leave. and a guy friend answered with: i was on leave for a month when we were preparing for our own wedding.

and now, for just this one thing. he acts like i’ve given him a gargantuan task. grrr.

it’s a good thing to have your friends around so that during times like these, you get to talk it over and somehow lessen your frustration. thanks rhods. i’m glad i said some sensible things to you the last time we went out and i’m sooper happy that it somehow enlightened you about some things. things i’m totally not an expert on. and i’m so touched when you said that it’s really different when you get a friend’s perspective on some things (meaning my perspective). miss you.

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oh dad!

i’m on night shift this week. got home at around 730am. went directly to bed. so tired.

2pm – got out of bed. went outside and saw my mom wearing an apron. the reason? she was busy arranging flowers for today (all saints’ day). went to the kitchen to grab a bite. after which, i was surprised to see my dad downstairs. on the sofa.

normally he’d be in his room. asked my mom how come dad was downstairs and even she was surprised. she went inside and looked on at my dad. heard her shriek a little. wtf. she immediately went out carrying a bag of candles.

i went inside too. saw my dad with bits of candles on his lap. was alarmed when i saw two wicks on the sofa. dad was picking up the bits of candles and was going to put his hand to his mouth. i immediately stopped him and told him that candles are not to be eaten. he shouted at me then. really shouted. didn’t know what to do. the thought running through my head was: 2 wicks. does that mean he had eaten two candles? oh my god! sure hope not!

then mom was beside me, giving dad some wafers. to lure him back to his room. but he was headstrong. didn’t want to go to his room yet. gave him apples then.

i’m still bothered. went outside and was a little relieved to see the candles. good. dad hasn’t eaten everything. but some parts of it were bitten off. now, i’m troubled. should we bring him to the doctor? how will he get rid of the candles inside his body? damn. i really hate alzheimer’s. why did it ever hit him?

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losing someone

i was watching a rush hour 3 (with jackie chan & chris tucker) last night when i got this text from Da (my cousin).

From redj: Im in pangasinan.Dino’s gone. He was shot last wednesday.

Rush Hour 3 was a really hilarious movie. But when I got that text, I just stopped laughing. I immediately replied back to her and asked her for details and texted my very good friend Redj immediately. I was so frustrated for while I was waiting for the “sent” icon, my phone died. Low Batt. Grrr. I can’t do anything about it but wait for the movie to end.

When I got home, I immediately charged my fone. After a while, I turned it on and texted my cousin again. I tried calling my friend Redj, but her fone cannot be reached.

We were all saddened about this news. I haven’t seen Redj for a while and I know she’s sooper devastated with this event. A few months back, she also lost her grandmother. And now this.

Way back when I was working in Manila, I stayed with Redj. She invited me to stay with her and it was for free. Dino would drop by sometimes and I remember me and my friends having fun listening to them talk in Panggalatok. They sounded German. Sometimes we also ribbed Redj about Dino’s voice, for it was a little high-pitched. In tagalog it was ‘matinis’.

I really feel for her loss. They were such a close-knit family. Dino was Redj’s buddy/driver/mr. everything (aside from her youngest bro – Julius). And I’m sure she might still be in shock, right now.

I’ll never really know how it feels to lose someone. I was too young when my lolo (grandfather) died. When my lola died when I was in high school, I was saddened, but I thought, that’s where old people really go. But Dino was so young. He’s not even in his 30s yet. His daughter’s so young. He still had so much to live for. He was so kind. And such a gentleman. And so accomodating. And dying so young, and a gunshot in the head at that, I really can’t understand. Maybe God has other plans for his family. But it really is such a tragic loss.

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